Stories from Yakutia

Invisible Flatmate

Once upon a time an old man went into the woods to chop some firewood, accompanied by his son and grandchildren. They had a big family — grandfather, grandmother, their eldest son with a wife and two children, and the younger son with his wife (many families still live together like that even now in Yakutia villages, without spreading too thin). The weather was good, and many trees were felled on that day. But in the late afternoon they came across one especially strong and big larch tree, seemingly impervious to axe, as if made of stone. Even a chainsaw (the famed "Friendship") (translator's note: a chainsaw model very popular in the Soviet Union) could not take that tree — the chain would get stuck every other minute. The son suggested to leave the tree alone - there were many more in the forest, after all - but felling the strange tree now became a matter of personal pride for the grandfather. They labored all evening long, but it their efforts were rewarded in the end. Thus they finished the day's work.

After a while the day came when they had to load the chopped down trees onto the tractor trailer in order to transport them back to their village. It was here that the tree showed its colors yet again: despite the men's best efforts to load it onto the trailer, the tree rolled back down at least six times, completely by itself. It fell down once again on the way home, even though it should've been prevented from doing soo by all the wood surrounding it. Finally they managed to reach the village, and on the next day began to chop the wood. As one of grandsons lowered the axe onto the tree, it jumped right off it and hit him bluntly on the forehead. Seeing that, the old man became agitated and ordered that tree to be dealt with first of all. Spending the whole day, they did ultimately manage to saw and split it down into firewood. The grandfather personally brought an armful of the firewood from the tree into the house and into the furnace. Naturally, it had no intention of playing along and simply refused to burn, but the grandfather was a quitter - he added gasoline and some old newspapers, and the fire was finally kindled. Firewood lit ablaze, and the old man wiped his forehead from sweat and let out a victorious laugh, celebrating his triumph over the piece of damned wood.

The brick shitting began the very same evening, and not slowly and hazily over the course of months, like in those American horror movies, but right away and with full power. The family had just finished supper, and suddenly the daughter-in-law - the younger son's wife - let out a scream. As all looked at her, she said that someone had just hit her on the face. The family thought she went loony, but then it happened again, and again, and with such strength that her head was jerking left and right all the time.

The grandfather tried to cover her face with his hands, but only managed to become the presence new target - he was punched in the guts, followed by whipping on the face. When the grandfather, having shat enough bricks to build a kremlin, ran out from the house, the invisible entity took to the daughter-in-law again. All evening long it had tormented her, and only appeared to have been satiated when both her cheeks became red as a crawfish. But it was too early to celebrate — come night, it found its way into her bed, threw off the blanket and began to to smother her, pressing down with huge force. Everyone is spooked, the girl is in tears, the men understand nothing, the grandfather clutches his the head, having understood that the fucking tree wasn't so simple after all… They Invited the local priest. As soon as the priest, armed with a cross, a censer and holy water, entered the house, the entity was right there to spill all the holy water, broke the censer, tore the cross from his neck and threw it into a corner, and proceeded to do what it does best - whipping the priest on the cheeks. Thus the priest ran away as soon as he came.

Thus a very cheerful life began. In the morning and during the day the entity would usually calm down, but still made its presence known by way of small dirty tricks: putting cow shit will into the milk, spoiling the dough, breaking cups on the shelves. Every evening it would take its time with the girl beating her, grabbing her clothes, putting muck into her food, feeling her up at night (though it never came to actual rape, thankfully). It would, however, ignore everyone else, including the grandfather, unless they came to the girl's defrense. If they tried, however, it would wrestle them, and much more brutally than it would the girl — the men could easily end up with severe bruises and broken bones. And they could never even grab or hit it anyway.

The grandfather came for help to the local shaman, but he refused to come to their house, explaining that the evil spirit was obviously stronger than him. As everyone agreed that the entity came to them with the tree, in which it probably used to live, the shaman advised them to take the firewood from that tree back to where the tree stood. The family followed his advice, and on their way there they encountered no tricks from the wood. Alas, it did not help — the "flatmate" must've found the village more fun than the forest. And thus they lived for a whole month, they tried all they could, from coal circles on the floor to prayers and cats, but nothing seemed to work, and after each attempt to kick it out the presence would pay back tenfold. Eventually all that had started to take a toll on the girl, and she began to go crazy and wither away, spouting mad ravings.

By the way, it was during that period that they had a visit from a chekist (translator's note: an officer of "CheKa", the soviet secret police), who had heard the rumors and decided that locals were purposefuly spreading superstition. He announced himself with an exclamation: "Well well well, so where this monster of yours?", and at that very momeny the gun that was hanging from his belt shot by itself - the chekist very nearly lost his dick. He grabbed his belt, and at that same moment horse feces started flying at him from the furnace. The chekist, panicking, pulled out the gun and checked the furnace, but found no one there. That's when the entity started whipping his face like it did before. The officer dashed out of the house to never return.

Finally, it was decided to send the girl to her relatives in another village. On the way through their village, she kept looking back and crying, saying: "My poor abasy cannot keep up with us, lags behind, calls me back", and when they left the village: "My poor abasy is left to cry by a birch tree". And suddenly the madness have vanished, and her mind has returned to her. Naturally, she had no desire to ever come back to that village, and the marriage broke up. The village, though, did not particulary mind either — as soon as she left, the entity had disappeared, and all of its tricks and games had stopped. For some time the family still jumped at the sight of each shadow, expecting their tormentor to return, but it never happened. Most likely, the abasy became bored without the girl, and returned back to the woods. Happy end, as they say.

© 1996 Archive66